Dealing with conflicts 23_in和with的区别和用法

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Guidelines for Good Communication to avoid conflicts

In the heat of the moment, it is easy to forget some common „rules of thumb‟

which aid succeful communication to avoid conflicts.1.A 3-Step Proce in Good Communication

(1)Send clear meages – verbal communication and your body language both count.Think about what you want to say and how it may be understood(or

misunderstood)

(2)Receive meages – what is heard is part fact and part feeling and so you

need to be clear on both levels.When you are listening, pay attention to both facts and feelings.(3)Acknowledge meages – you can only be sure that you have communicated what you meant to communicate when your listener gives you acknowledgement

confirming their understanding.As a listener, summarise what you have heard and ask questions to seek clarification if part of the meage seems unclear.2.Guidelines

(1)Respect the Other Person‟s Needs as well as Your Own

You have valid concerns that need to be addreed.But so does the person with whom you are in conflict(even if they are not immediately obvious).(2)Tackle the Problem Directly with the Other Person

It is much better to work directly with the other person in the conflict.Going through others can only serve to escalate the conflict or lead to further

misunderstandings.Avoid involving other friends or members of your family or asking them to “take sides” and, as far as poible, keep the conflict out of the public eye.Whilst it can be useful to check out your perceptions of the situation with other people or ask other people‟s views on your actions etc., if you are merely looking for confirmation for your own views, this is more than likely going to lead to a more entrenched position.(3)Separate the Problem from the Person

Pointing out the distinction between the problem and the person and reinforcing that you wish to treat the person respectfully may help the other person to do the same.Your iues are more likely to be resolved if you avoid making personal attacks which embarra or ridicule the other person.(4)Speak without Interrupting the Other

Further misunderstanding may occur if you do not give the other person the

opportunity to finish what they have to say.And you can also be accused of not listening if you are interrupting the other person before they have finished.You may also want to ensure that you both agree about everything so far before going on to the next point.(5)Negotiate and Compromise

Look for mutually satisfying agreements.One-sided offers tend not to work.Although it is common to think there always has to be a winner and a loser in any

confrontation, it is not necearily true.Participating in negotiations where the goal is a „win-win‟ solution(i.e., both parties attain some satisfaction on their needs and interests)is both poible and preferable.(6)‘Interests‟ v.„Positions‟

Often when we are negotiating with others, we think, that by taking a „hard line‟ or exaggerating the „bottom line‟, we will get a better result.Actually, taking such positions can often backfire because the other person can feel upset, unfairly treated or they may just decide to take the position of „digging their heels in‟.A better approach is to think about the interests underlying your initial position on an iue.An underlying interest is usually related to a principle held, or a moral value, or a hope or expectation, or some le tangible need.If the interest is why you have taken a position, then it will be the interest that leads you to want a certain response.For example, you might get into a conflict with your friend because he didn‟t call you when he said he would but much later instead.The conflict could become an argument about how late is „acceptable‟(and your position could be that „calling late is unacceptable‟).However, the underlying interest might be that you are feeling

vulnerable because he did not call when he said he would and you might only want to be reaured of his feelings for you.In that case, it will be much easier to sort out what to do about phone calls once you are both reaured about your feelings for each other.Steps to resolving conflict

These suggested steps incorporate the guidelines mentioned above and can help resolve conflicts.(1)If you are in public and find yourself in a conflict, stop and ask to meet the other person in a neutral private and safe setting at a time which suits you both, so that you can both speak confidentially without creating a scene and without being interrupted.(2)Look at the other person as they too should look at you.Listen to the other person as they too should be listening to you.This means that each of you feels heard and understood, and has had their views acknowledged.Doing it like this means you can begin to undo the damage to your relationship which the conflict has been causing.It is worth taking the time to hear the other person‟s point of view – it is likely to save time in the long run.Take turns to list the iues you want resolved(remember – positions)which is the list of the practical matters that need to be addreed.List your interests as principles you would hope any agreement could be based upon, or needs you would like to be met.Go back and forth listening to each other until each of you has fully stated your views and you both agree that you have each been heard and understood.(3)Offer options with an open mind, using negotiation skills between you to meet the expreed concerns, needs and interests of each of you.Remember the difference between positions and interests, and strive to meet the interests of both parties.Combine and refine the options discued, remembering that it may very well

be poible to work out a „win-win‟ situation together which neither of you could have discovered on your own.(4)Conclude the negotiations with agreements made in good faith which have been specified and which satisfy both of you.This minimises the risk of future conflict.Keep your discuions confidential unle you both agree to tell any others who may need to know what you have decided and what the decisions involve.(5)Finally, if you don‟t reach an agreement, do not be afraid to try again at another time.Take some space and have further thoughts before trying again.And remember too that it can sometimes be better to try to resolve a conflict bit by bit, giving each of you time to think and time to consider and time to rest.